That point being the Olympics! The noble celebration of the absurd conceit that fire is more special when it's impractically passed from person to person, across long distances, as a huge middle finger to no less than the great Stephen Fry, who decided in 2011 that there was no greater invention in the history of mankind than the (considerably more practical) lighter. After that, the Olympics inevitably plunge straight downhill when they sadly become preoccupied with all that sports nonsense. It's tragic, really. Clearly, these proceedings needed livening up, desperately, and Sega was more than happy to oblige, by begging Nintendo to oblige them, also. And thus, it was settled: the Olympics were forever transformed into naught but the backdrop for people to live out an increasingly irrelevant rivalry, in a particularly nonsensical way. YEAH!!!
Well, I have nothing against irrelevance or nonsense, either, and so I've generously given Mario Mario and Sonic T. Hedgehog another venue in which they can engage in an EPIC FIGHT TO THE DEATH, via cinema. Didn't that sound like fun? "Hells yeah it does", I assumed you said; and so, last time, I allowed Mario to take the field and show off a film that razed even the nefarious Dennis Hopper's soul. Sadly, though, he only managed to score a disappointing 2.0 from the pasty white American judge. But now, in the overdue second part of this two-part series, Sonic the Hedgehog takes his stab at Pseudolympic glory, as we flash back to the year 1999. The world was on the verge of ending, forever, because Y2K; staring their mortality right in the eye, ADV realised that time was growing ever shorter to fulfil their lifelong dreams of dubbing the two extant episodes of an obscure Sonic the Hedgehog OVA from three years prior, and they solemnly swore to stop putting it off once and for all. And thus, America was introduced to the inaccurately titled Sonic the Hedgehog: The Movie!
Compared to Mario's entry in this duel, Sonic's "movie" isn't nearly as infamous in his own fandom. For one thing, again, it's rather obscure. It wasn't even particularly successful in its native Japan, and over here, it's only known by gross, sexually frustrated internet nerds, like you. Also, Sonic fans tend to bestow more infamy upon Jaleel "Urkel" White, and his whimsical lessons about how the psychologically scarring experience of molestation is "not good" and, more importantly, washing machines aren't amusement park rides, at all!! But that's not to say that Anime Sonic doesn't have an ace up his sleeve as well, in the form of a surprisingly porkable teenage girl with a monkey tail. But is it enough for victory? It's time.....for the overly wordy moment of truth.
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| Fortunately, it's a Taki; silent films are soooooo last millennium. |
~ EPISODE ONE: JOURNEY TO ROBOTROPOLIS ~
We open in Dr. Robotnik's Secret Technology-Themed Room, where lights flash, and abstract circuitry designs on the wall glow eerily, and lots of empty space sits there, softly weeping inside, awaiting the day that an animator will deem them, too, to be worthy of being filled with something interesting; a day that will, sadly, never come, for life is instead filled with nothing but hopeless, bleak despair. But let's not pay attention to their silent suffering, for there is something far more interesting in the room; why, it's Metal Sonic! You know who I'm talking about, right? Dr. Robotnik's cold, robotic Sonic doppelgänger that he designed to
But now, he has a new plan in mind, a surely infallible plan! Because no one else will willingly talk to Robotnik, he explains it to Metal Sonic himself (itself?): all he has to do is "capture the essential life data from your counterpart", and then Metal Sonic will become HYPER METAL SONIC! And then, finally, they will be able to defeat their eternal rival, once and for all! (Or, more specifically, lose to their eternal rival, in an even slightly more different way than usual.)
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| "When you awaken, KILL HIM", says the adorable chubby li’l hamster! |
But what of Sonics that AREN'T hyper and/or metal? What of, say, Lazy Fleshy Sonic? Why, he's doing standard lazy fleshy things, like lounging around under a (non-princessy) parasol, listening to a CD of horrendously generic guitar solos (to brace himself for Sonic Adventure, no doubt), and generally just sucking in some salty sea air on his, erm, "luxurious" beachfront property. Chillin' outside is, shall we say, infinitely preferable to staying inside, with all the presumptive grossness that surely exists in a place like THIS:
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| I've gotta wonder, is he simply recycling stuff that just happened to crash nearby, like a good green blue hedgehog, or.......did he actually wreck all this stuff himself, killing scores of passengers in the process, just to make his eccentric home? Damn punk kids and their punk hairstyles and their punk murder-based architecture... |
His li'l buddy Tails is eager to show off the "jet-propelled body board" that he just invented, but Sonic is uninterested, because he is an unlikeable asshole, according to this movie. "Tails is just like a little kid with his new toy", he sarcastically whines. Yeah, you show him, Sonic! Teach that little kid with a new toy that he really should act like anything but a little kid with a new toy!
Before I forget, a word about our heroes' voices. Sonic, as voiced by Martin Burke, sounds like the dub team's ill-advised attempt to maintain continuity with the American cartoons, which is to say he sounds like some random dude's bad impression of Jaleel White's Sonic, doing his impression of a stereotypically hammy Shakespearian overactor. Tails, somehow FAR LESS ANNOYING BY COMPARISON, is nonetheless still bad: he's any second grader anywhere with a stuffy nose. Given that he's living with Sonic in a giant pile of miscellaneous wreckage and rotting passenger corpses, he's lucky that a stuffy nose is all he has!
Anyway, Sonic is utterly uninterested in Tails' new toy, and goes back to lounging around, figuring it's for the best not to pay attention to the small child essentially strapping himself to a rocket, I guess. He also figures it's for the best not to get up and check things out when he actually hears Tails slam into something and start screaming for help, though he at least offers a thoughtful and helpful bit of advice in response to his continued desperate pleas for help: "SHUT UP, TAILS!!!"
Now, if Sonic WASN'T too busy being an abusively neglectful guardian, he would've seen that there's a simple explanation for all that commotion, to the degree that a small child being hit by a low-flying out-of-control aeroplane is "simple", anyhow. An aeroplane piloted by an owl, no less. Yes, this is a movie where foxes and, as you'll soon see, even echidnas are capable of flying, under their own power, but certainly NOT owls, because fuck you biology, that's why.
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| The FAA doesn't have any restrictions against pilots wearing swirly gag goggles? That seems like an oversight... |
Apparently, this owl's name is, simply, Old Man. At least, nobody in this film refers to him as anything else, ever. Actually, he sounds more or less EXACTLY like the You Don't Know Jack character also named Old Man. Now THERE'S a crossover that makes this "Mario and Sonic at the Olympic Games" nonsense look downright sane!
Tails begs Sonic for help, but Sonic continues to act in the already well-established Soniclike fashion: "YOU'RE the one who can fly, YOU do something!!" (The more cynical among you would say it's because he's lazy and terrible, but I'm sure it's a more innocent explanation: that plane would make a kickass guest room.) And so, it looks like falls on Tails' tiny, yellow shoulders to save the day, by climbing onto one of the wings, and....okay, so, he didn't really think this plan through beyond that, but he'll gladly just stand there, helplessly, and join Old Man in the artful art of looking utterly horrified at the rapidly approaching cliffside; for, as they say, two looks of abject terror are always, ALWAYS better than one.
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| Perhaps this isn't the best time to ask, but what's he got on his head, anyway? Chef's hat? Mushroom? Those are, by far, the most tasteful possibilities! |
As he is wont to do, though, Sonic arbitrarily changes his tune and dashes in to save them from their impending doom, at the last possible second, because it's just plan MORE FUN to handle situations like this, instead of dealing with them from the start. Because, as we've already established, he is an unlikeable asshole. But he's not the only one showcasing questionable decision-making skills; back on dry land, Old Man is visibly shaken up, but nonetheless insists that he'll never ever give up flying, ever, because he was a great racer when he was a young Old Man. Also, he wants you to know that he used to get a LOT of ladies, too. Thanks, Autumn Dusk!
He's actually here on business even more important than the already extremely important business of forcing everyone else to imagine him boinkin' away, though. Why, he's also here to summon Sonic on behalf of the President himself! Note to whoever runs against the incumbent next election year: questioning his decision to entrust OLD MAN, of all people, with official presidential message-delivering duties would make for an EXCELLENT attack ad!
For what it's worth, Sonic and Tails make the similar mistake of entrusting him with housesitting duties when they depart for the "Presidential House". No, really, that's what it's called. Presidential House. Now, our heroes clearly don't know what to expect when they get there, because Old Man forgot to include the WHY in his message, because he is literally worthless, completely.....but surely they didn't expect THIS:
As he is wont to do, Sonic arbitrarily changes his tune and dashes in at the last second to save them from their impending doom. Waiting until the last possible second is just his thing, apparently, instead of just handling the situation from the start. Ughhh. I can only imagine his approach to birth control!
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| Alternately, they probably did. There were only so many characters in the Sonic continuity in 1996. |
The nefarious Dr. Robotnik has prepared an ambush: two of his particularly pathetic generic robots, which Sonic and Tails are easily able to dispose of, because...............they're particularly pathetic. So pathetic, in fact, that it only takes one hit to reduce them to robo-rubble. What does he build his robots out of, Styrofoam??? And, as if this wasn't already humiliating enough for Robotnik, well....as it turns out, because of his stuffy-nosed voice acting, Tails pronounces his name as "Robotdick", which is hilarious, if you're twelve, like I apparently am.
Despite their patheticness, though, the Patheticbots are un-pathetic enough for one thing: If you get an entire squadron of them together, they're almost, ALMOST capable of effectively holding the President and his skanky daughter hostage. If you're curious, her name is Sara, spelled in the skanky fashion, without the H.
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| Y'know, I bet Barack Obama would win re-election handily if only he, too, would invest soundly in American dorky-sash-making jobs. I'm right about this, and you KNOW I am. |
In the understatement of the century, Tails declares that kidnapping the President and holding him hostage is "no fair". But, no, Robotnik insists that it's Tails who is being unfair, for he's seeing the situation all wrong. Robotnik's a great guy! Really! He claims this was all just an attempt to get everyone's attention, so that he can save them, with the heroism. He has the safety of the entire Planet of Freedom in mind, guys! No, really, that's what this planet is called. Planet of Freedom. Seriously.
Anyway, Robotnik explains why kidnapping the President and holding him hostage was necessary, in a meandering monologue about how the Planet of Freedom is made up of two dimensions: the outer one called the "Land of the Sky", where Sonic and fwiends live, and the inner one called the "Land of Darkness", where
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| This fella won me a LOT of games back in the day, so I'm never one to take Big Eggsplosions lightly. |
As compelling as that was, it actually wasn't compelling, at all, because it put everyone to sleep. Robotnik is, naturally, furious that they fell asleep rather than hearing him out, so he angrily startles them awake, like ANY self-respecting Balloon Pokémon would do in a similar situation. Makes sense, right? Just look at him! That fat bastard is nothing if not a very jiggly puff indeed!
Even though everyone slept through his explanation, they are nevertheless still somehow aware of what he said, because the writers can't pay attention for more than five seconds. And everyone wants to know one thing in particular: how can we stop this terrible thing from happening? Well, the answer's simple. Someone has to infiltrate Robotropolis, get past all of Metal Robotnik's traps, and shut down the generator before sunrise. And Robotnik reckons there's only one man for the job: the fastest one here, and not coincidentally also the name-in-the-title-of-this-movie-est one here, Sonic the Hedgehog!
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| No, Sonic. Not just your nose. This mission requires your ENTIRE BODY. |
With a little help from Skanky Sara, in the form of polite, breasty begging of course, Sonic is easily convinced. Why, Robotnik is even willing to provide them with a navigator watch thingamajig to help them on their quest! He's such a nice guy, isn't it? Even Tails is convinced; even though "99 out of 100 times he's lying", this very well could be "that one other time".
(Spoiler alert: It is not. Thanks, Prologue!)
As Sonic and Tails set out on their ill-fated misadventure, Skanky Sara stays behind, to fulfil the incredibly vital and important task of........playing a crappy 2D Sonic the Fighters clone against Robotnik. Um. Not the kind of joystick I generally assumed she liked playing with, if you know what I mean.
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| Dr. Eggman? Seira? Clearly, that game's localization team was nowhere near as competent as this movie's! |
Robotnik beats her at Sonic the Crappy 2D Fighters, every time. And why should we be surprised? His egg-shaped physique betrays just how much time he obviously spends sitting around on the couch, after all. And couchsitting goes hand-in-hand with gaming. And gaming goes hand-in-hand with being a gross, gross virgin. Now everything's falling into place and it's making more and more sense that Metal Sonic is the only person he has to talk to!
But even Special Gaming Time with Sexy Ladies can't last forever. It's time for the plot to thicken, and it does so by having Robotnik climb inside Metal Robotnik's big metal tummy with Skanky Sara in tow. Yes, that's right, folks. Robotnik is, indeed, the evil mastermind behind the Robotnik-shaped robot in this story! I know, I know, you probably need to take a second to catch your breath after such a masterfully executed Shyamalanian twist. Go ahead. I'll still be waiting here, patiently, when you get back. I promise.
...
...see? I told you! And I couldn't possibly be happier to have you back. It's true what they say, about not knowing what you've got until it's gone, y'know? Mr. President knows what I'm talking about, anyway. He's deeply saddened to see his skanky daughter go, but alas, there's nothing he can possibly do to stop it, nothing at all. It's too bad he's not some sort of powerful world leader, or something like that. Oh well.
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| See? Competent localication! Nice sign, Patheticbot! |
Forget them, though. You don't care about those people. You wanna know what Sonic and Tails are up to, right? Well......their plane made a rough crash landing in the Land of Darkness, rather far from their target destination. That's what you get when you let children operate heavy machinery, after all.
Fortunately, our heroes realise that montages make everything go faster, always. Do you enjoy seeing Sonic dash around, leap over spikes, bounce off springboards, and even callously destroy pointlessly insect-themed low-level robot baddies in the games, but wish you didn't have all that gross, intrusive GAMEPLAY getting in the way of all your blast-processed fun? Then THIS is the montage for you! As a bonus, at the conclusion of the generic, instrumental fun, our heroes reach what is explicitly referred to as a "Warp Zone", something even the Mario movie itself neglected to adapt. Nicely played, Sonic, you crazy overachieving erinaceid!
On the other side of the Warp Zone lies a city. No, not the city they're looking for. A different city. A familiar city, abandoned and dilapidated. Tails refers to it as the "Ancient Relics", but you might know it better as old New York, which was once New Amsterdam. The movie would really prefer it if you didn't realise that, though. As we all know, it's the job of anime dubbing companies to remove all reference to Japanese culture, especially things as distinctly Japanese as American landmarks, from America. But, I'm neglecting the most important thing about
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| Scapelli Sez: "They'll do ANYTHING for publicity!" |
But, at least it serves as the backdrop for an EPIC BATTLE, of sorts? That counts for something, maybe? Indeed, it's time for our heroes to face off against an imposing figure who likes doing imposing things, imposingly, like laughing maniacally at nothing in particular, and just generally hangin' around, outdoors, in a thunderstorm, wearing a pointy metal hat, imposingly. Stuffy-Nosed Tails correctly deduces that "It's Metal Robotdick", and I assume he's correct; I certainly can't imagine anything else it could possibly be made of, anyway!
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| Also presumably metal: Metal Robotnik's heaving bosoms. |
Yes, my friends, it's EXTENDED FIGHT SCENE TIME! And Metal Robotnik has quite an impressive arsenal, too. Sure, of course he has the standard-issue machine gun hands, as mandated by Japanese law. But why just settle for the bare minimum? Robotnik NEVER settles for less, especially when it comes to cholesterol, but he still cares about making awesome robots, almost as much. And so, he has bestowed Metal Robotnik with retractable racks of rocket-propelled exploding maces where us considerably less awesome non-robots just have nipples:
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| Perhaps this is, at least, a slight improvement over all the animated things that pretend dudes don't have nipples, at all? |
How shocked would you be if I told you that those STILL aren't his ultimately ultimate super-secret super-epic Ultimate Weapon? So shocked that it's as if you were just hangin' around, outside, in a thunderstorm, wearing a pointy metal hat, right? But, it's true. It's so, so true. Because even rocket-propelled nipplemaces, alas, cannot possibly compare to SUPER-STICKY ANAL GLUE:
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| Super glue? More like.............well, you can probably figure out where this is going already, can't you? |
It's obviously an uphill battle for our heroes, who can't possibly compare to that. Sonic quickly discovers that trying to knee giant masses of metal in their giant metal faces is often more painful for the knee-er than the knee-ee, because metal. Tails later discovers, just as quickly, that loudly shouting "I THINK IT WORKED" after trying to fool someone often makes them suspect that something just might be amiss. The Bob Hoskins-as-Mario school of avoidance of suspicion is not one I would recommend to anyone, not even pathetic losers like you, the reader!
Since simple physical prowess is not enough, and Tails being Tails is helping nobody, least of all Tails as Tails himself, Sonic realises that the only way to achieve the upper hand is to take advantage of his supreme mental acuity, which I guess is a thing that exists, to a degree. As such, he gives up on wasting everyone's time by just running away from the nipplerockets and assglue at the last possible second, because even anime battle sequence producers can only be amused by that for so long, before growing bored, and numb, and apathetic towards life itself, just like everyone else. Instead, Sonic takes a chance by pulling off this TOTALLY AWESOME MANEUVER:
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| Sonic deserves a lot of credit for taking something that is shot out of robo-nipples, and making it look even MORE dirty. |
As if that wasn't obscene enough, Sonic pilots this rather suggestive missile directly into Metal Robotnik's metal robutthole, because the Japanese are the most tasteful people anywhere in the world, period. Now, while this unlubricated attack was certainly very, very damaging indeed, if you've been paying proper attention to the properties of Metal his anus, you've already seen the grave error in this plan. Namely, the assglue. As the end result of ramming that large phallic object into Metal Robotnik's (dis)pleasure tunnel, Sonic has found himself utterly drenched by a violent eruption of sticky, white goop.
...oh sweet jesus. I've been tricked into reviewing hardcore robot pornography, haven't I??? I'm so, so sincerely sorry, everyone!
Meanwhile, on a distant hill, Knuckles hears the sexy, sexy carnage, and figures that perhaps he should investigate. So, he tunnels through the ground, conveniently arriving just in time to save a glue-encrusted Sonic from Metal Robotnik's cold, metallic grasp at the last possible second, like the reliable and dependable mole that he is. No, really. In this movie, Knuckles the Echidna is a mole. The dialogue says as much, and the character profiles included on the DVD as a (super-lame) special feature spell it out in explicitly explicit terms. "Knuckles is a mole", because fuck you canon, that's why.
By the way, a word about Knuckles' voice actor, Bill Wise: the man clearly doesn't have an original idea of what to do with this character, so instead, he just unwisely (heh heh heh) chose to do his best imitation of Martin Burke's Sonic instead. God, one was enough, dudes!!
Regardless of voice actor laziness, though, Red Sonic is a good guy. He rescues Blue Sonic and Kinda-Yellowish Tails from their sexy adhesive fates, though it turns out that Tails' tails wound up glued together somehow. Tails says he's unable to fly now, yet he's still able to hop onto a slab of metal and surf across the water, by using his tails as a propeller, which uses the EXACT SAME MOTION as flying. And then he's able to fly again in a couple minutes anyway, because super glue is known for nothing if not its quick-dissolving properties, according to the producers of this movie, who have never handled super glue before. C'mon, people, don't we deserve more logic and consistency in our cartoons about talking blue hedgehogs who can run faster than the speed of sound? It's time to rebel against this bourgeoisie nonsense!!!
Somehow, Metal Robotnik is still alive and ticking, and so the fight continues to rage on, less and less interestingly. It's obvious that everyone's getting desperate, because Sonic actually breaks out something that's potentially useful. Namely, we discover that he has the ability to spin fast enough that he becomes, for all intents and purposes, a buzzsaw, which can slice straight through metal, which is very useful when you're fighting against something that is MADE OF METAL. WHAT THE FUCK, DUDE, I MEAN SERIOUSLY. WHY'S THE FLYING KNEE YOUR FIRST RESORT WHEN YOU ARE EASILY CAPABLE OF THIS??????
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| Nonetheless, you still have to admit it's pretty impressive. Let's give Sonic a hand, ladies and gentlemen! |
Now that our heroes have successfully gained the upper-prehensile-multi-fingered-extremity-located-at-the-end-of-the-forehand in battle, Metal Robotnik wants to run away, but not before they can heap one last scoop of humiliation ice cream on the sweet apple pie of his robot psyche. Knuckles grabs Sonic and flies up into the air - oh, yeah, he can do more than just glide in this movie, he can outright FLY, like a hat-wearing Superman - where they join Tails (whose archaic propeller-based flight is suddenly much less impressive by comparison) to finish him off with an elaborate combination attack. It's a lot like their Team Blast from Sonic Heroes, but far more awesome by default, because this is something other than Sonic Heroes. And thus concludes our EXTENDED FIGHT SCENE TIME!
In case you somehow forgot Fleshy Robotnik and Skanky Sara were inside him - Jesus, there's NOTHING about Metal Robotnik that isn't absolutely filthy - they pop out of the smoking wreckage, away from our heroes gaze, just long enough for the good doctor to show some skin through his freshly burned and tattered clothes. And the fandom rejoiced. They rejoiced their dinners all over their collective keyboards, which is really hard to clean up, believe you me.
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| And it's raining, too! Wet T-shirt contest, anyone? |
With that situation "resolved", Sonic and Tails announce their intentions to continue onward, to the core of Robotropolis! Oh, right, that's what they're there for, isn't it? I'd almost forgot. The entirety of the previous fifteen minutes was spent making us forget that this thing even had a plot, after all. Yeah, they'd better get on that, and stuff. Knuckles, meanwhile, has big things going on. He's gonna go back to his normal career of "treasure huntin'", which Bill Wise insists on saying kinda like an Old West prospector, so I, for one, am disappointed he didn't just go all out and throw a "yahoo" in there, too, for good measure.
Oh, wait, no. On second thought, Knuckles thinks he should stay behind and keep an eye on them after all. That's the reason he gives for sticking behind, at any rate. Personally, I suspect that he doesn't have big things going on after all, because treasure huntin' isn't actually a profession that anyone in this world actually has, and that was actually just a bullshit lie he made up for the sole purpose of experiencing the sheer joy that comes from saying "treasure huntin'" like an Old West prospector. Yahoo, indeed!
Yes, as this episode comes to an end, all the pieces are falling into place for explosive and exciting things yet to come. Just what, exactly, does Robotnik's devious trap entail? Is Metal Sonic even still a character in this? How long until Old Man spills some prune juice on Sonic's couch, and proceeds to try a succession of increasingly bizarre home remedies for such a stain, only to make it worse each and every time, because that's what I generally imagine housesitting consists of for him? And will those dark recesses in Dr. Robotnik's Secret Technology-Themed Room ever receive the redemptive gift of having animators actually draw stuff there, or will they remain forever unadorned, their empty souls praying for the sweet, sweet release of death, a release that shall never come, for even God Himself turned His back on laboratory corners long, long ago?
These questions and more shall be answered in the climactic second and final episode, so stay tuned!
~ EPISODE 2 - SONIC VS. METAL SONIC ~
(Not to be confused with the classic film, Kramer vs. Metal Kramer.)
(Not to be confused with the classic film, Kramer vs. Metal Kramer.)
Picking up from where the last episode left off, Sonic and Co. are now inside Robotropolis, traversing a series of generic floating metal walkways en route to the "Robot Generator". Even Tails and Knuckles opt to follow said walkways, even though they're both capable of flight, and could just fly straight to the Generator instead of bothering with this predetermined path nonsense. But, eh, why bother? It's not like time is of the essence or anything...
Knuckles, at least, has an excuse: he's just plain too distracted by his sheer, unbridled excitement to really care either way. "I'm getting seriously pumped up about this!", he notes, forever embarrassing himself by revealing the depth of his enthusiasm over tinkering with generators. NERD!! And though having a hobby is nice and all - everyone needs something to distract themselves from thinking about the utter futility of life once in awhile - there's clearly a problem when your distraction is SO INTENSE that you almost get killed by a robotic snail. Robot or not, death by snail is just pathetic!
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| Pathetic, but ODDLY CUTE. |
As Knuckles elects to stay behind for a minute and take on the robot snails, in a desperate and vain attempt to de-humiliate himself, Sonic and Tails press on, plunging ever deeper into Robotropolis, until finally, they reach the VERY DRAMATIC LOOKING ROBOT GENERATOR (which, sadly, isn't as adorable as the robot snails).
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| Operating the generator apparently involves having to run straight down "Robotnik"'s throat. Robotnik.........has issues. |
According to a conveniently placed timer, there's now only twenty seconds until the sort of meltdown that'll make Robotnik's Crapsack World even crapsackier! Now, one really has to wonder why anyone who went through the trouble of specifically programming a Doomsday Timer (accurate to the hundredth-second, by the way) just in case this very specific set of circumstances ever happened, didn't just put in a little extra effort and program, say, some sort of safety mechanism that would shut down the generator entirely instead, wouldn't you say? But, then again, this obvious trap is, indeed, an obvious trap, so we shouldn't be overthinking any part of this. Sonic certainly isn't, also, because he is an idiot, just like everyone else he knows, or has ever met, ever.
In fact, Sonic is SO idiotic that, even as those precious twenty seconds count down, he STILL can't think of a better way to reach the shutdown button than trying to run along a conveyor belt going in the opposite direction. Yes, treadmills are wonderful, and I hop on one every time I go to the gym, but now simply isn't the time, Sonic! Indeed, the entire Planet of Freedom would have been destroyed, had Knuckles not swooped in, fresh off his snail-smashin' spree, and airlifted Sonic to the lever at the last possible centisecond. Meanwhile, Tails was just standing around, helplessly. Way to go, Tails, Knuckles has now officially usurped you as the team's Designated Flyin' Guy!
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| Sure, celebration is in order and stuff and whatnot, but seriously, Sonic, what the fuck is the deal with all the nose-touching? Is this some sort of obscure Japanese cultural thing I'm oblivious to? Is there some sort of subtle game of Charades running through this story that I'm just not privy to? I DEMAND ANSWERS! |
And now, as the Robot Generator encases Sonic in some sort of glowing green cybernetic cage thingy, Robotnik's devious gambit finally starts to reveal itself, albeit only to the audience. You see, he kidnapped President Presidentson and made up this story about Metal Robotnik and his horde of un-pathetic demonbots for the sole purpose of luring Sonic down here to this very spot, where he could be trapped in this inescapable prison. And in this inescapable prison, Robotnik plans to do the most horrendously, reprehensibly evil thing imaginable: downloading Sonic's "essential life data", then......releasing him, still very much alive. Why just kill him outright, while he's in a position where it would be literally impossible to escape, when you could instead let him go free, in the hope that the rest of your plan will pan out and he'll end up dead at a later date, ideally? If you have to ask THAT, you fool, then you clearly don't understand TRUE villainy. Just sit back and watch how it's REALLY done, Robotnik-style!
From the ruins of the Robot Generator rise the fruits of his labour - incidentally, the fruits of his labour are literally the ONLY fruits Robotnik will ever go anywhere near - in the form of HYPER METAL SONIC. Metal Sonic, having been upgraded with Carbon Sonic's "essential life data", is now much stronger, somehow. You can tell he's stronger now, because he's obscured by a giant ball of electricity, which is helpfully glowing BLACK and GREEN, so you can specifically tell that it's EVIL ELECTRICITY.
It's all so very terrifying, so Tails helpfully kills all the hard-earned tension by chiming in that "it's a robot that looks exactly like Sonic", for the benefit of Sonic, I guess, on the off chance that he doesn't own, nor has ever encountered, a mirror. (It's not entirely implausible; none of the mirrors in his house likely survived their respective crashes, after all.) In an attempt to restore the dramatic tension, (Metal?) Robotnik, hiding somewhere in the shadows, counters with the most awesome villainous monologue in the history of villainous monologuin'. And I quote: "Hahahahahahaha! HAHAHAHAHAHA! And another thing..........HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!"
Naturally, this is the setup for our heroes to be accosted by those wisp thingies from Brave.
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| POP POLL: Which character from this movie should be transformed into a bear? My vote's for either Robotnik or the President; they're the only two without twinky physiques. |
The wisps congregate in the centre of the room, on the site of the ex-Robot Generator, as they raise what Tails refers to as "the ghost of Metal Robotnik" up through the floor. It's just an illusion, of course; we're clearly shown how part of the illusion works, with a bunch of Patheticbots down in a hole, selflessly helting the Robotnikbot up through it, despite the potential risk of their own robodily harm. But....what of the first part? Where did those wisps come from?? It's never explained, even though it's the most interesting part! Perhaps there's just something inherently magickal about the colour blue in the Sonicverse. Or the superintelligent shades of blue, at least. Whatever the case, all the effort put into this grand illusion was for naught, as Metal Robotnik immediately falls to pieces and reveals Dr. Robotnik and Skanky Sara inside. And NOW, finally, Sonic and friends are able to catch up to where we already were, plotwise. It's about goddamned time...
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| "It's not what it looks like!" *canned laughter and applause* |
Justifiably, Knuckles sees them together and accuses Sara of being in on Robotnik's plot, but Sara denies the accusations. "No, it wasn't my fault! Metal Robotnik and the Robot Generator going haywire were all part of Robotnik's evil scheme!" That's brilliant, Sara. Just brilliant. Understanding these little things about his plan that our heroes were completely oblivious to OBVIOUSLY discounts you from having had any part in it! She's telling the truth of course - she's not evil, just skanky - but JESUS she's doing a lousy job of convincing anyone.
Oh, right. You're here too, Robotnik. Sorry for keeping you from getting on with your plot of destroying Sonic, once and for all, so you can then proceed to destroy the entire Land of the Sky, once and for all. Yeah, I know, you just love destroying things. I had friends like that when I was a kid. Personalitywise, I mean. None of my friends looked like ovoid walruses, at the time, anyway.
It looks like it's EXTENDED FIGHT SCENE TIME AGAIN, but it isn't, really. There's not much to this. Metal Sonic rushes Fleshy Sonic and grabs him by the leg, and encases both of them in a floating glowing pink bubble barrier together. Because, I dunno, he's Mew, apparently. And then he flies them up to the surface of the Land of the Sky, where they can battle in the mountaintops instead. But it's over very, very quickly, because of Metal Sonic's new, improved set of attacks. Like a pseudo-roundhouse kick, which he spends about FIVE SECONDS winding up, that scores a DIRECT HIT. Because, um, Sonic just stands there, watching him wind it up, and doesn't think to do anything about it, at all. Pfft. Fastest thing alive my ass...
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| It was nice of Metal Sonic to replace his foot with a giant red comedy boxing glove for this, though. Otherwise, it would've just been ridiculous. |
With this climactic attack - as much as something that happens a mere minute into a fight can be "climactic", anyhow - Sonic is sent plunging thousands of feet from the top of that oddly pointy mountain, vanishing down through the clouds, obviously falling to his doom. I mean, there's no other logical conclusion one could draw, right? Sonic obviously hit the ground, broke his legs, and his neck, and his everything else, and now he's totally dead, forever, with twenty minutes still left in the story. It's so, so sad. But you can tell it's true, because Robotnik's highly advanced, highly accurate, high-technical futuristic computerized display:
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| That halo is as close as you're gonna come to seeing Rings in this movie. Soak it up, nerds! |
As you'd expect, Robotnik is overjoyed when he sees these conclusively conclusive results. "Hahahahaha, Sonic will never again be a pain in my egg", he declares triumphantly. That's a really funny joke, Robotnik! I mean that, sincerely! It's hilarious, and clever, and witty, because your name's...............Robotnik. Oh. Nevermind.
Well, now that Sonic's dead, what's everyone else going to do with their non-dead lives now? Well, Hyper Metal Sonic has other plans. BIG plans. Plans to travel to Sonic's former clusterfuck of a home, and add one more to its cumulative death toll, by MURDERING OLD MAN..................'s fashion sense, by forcing him to wear Sonic's old "favourite clothes". His monstrousness knows no bounds!!!
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| Old Man fondly remembers the 1990s: The Decade of Disproportionately Hip Rappin' Old People! |
Tails and Knuckles, obvious to Sonic's totally real death that totally really happened, arrive at Sonic's house in search of their friend, but instead, they witness that unfashionable carnage. Old Man, also obvious, thought that was totally the real Sonic. He explains: "He forced me to put on his clothes, and then flew away without saying anything!" Well, sure. If he'd actually said anything, it would've completely undermined the sheer badassery of what he did, and we can't have that!
Genius detectives that they are, Tails and Knuckles manage to piece together that the Sonic he saw was, indeed, the metal one, because real hedgehogs can't fly. They're not like echidnas, silly! In a less logically sound pair of deductions, Tails concludes that the navigator watch thingy Robotnik gave them way back in part one must be made out of the same materials as Hyper Metal Sonic, and so, somehow, he can use it to locate him, if he rejigger the watch's circuitry just right; and furthermore, tracking Hyper Metal Sonic will lead them to the real deal, too, because "essential life data" makes them share the same personality, too. It's all farfetched and stupid wild guesswork, but we spent a decent amount of screentime on it, so it has to be true. Everyone out there make note: You'll always be right, if there's a camera on you when you unleash your ridiculous bullshit to the world!
None of this business about robots with Genuine Hedgehog Personalities makes sense, so let's leave these two losers, and go check in with Robotnik. At long last, he reveals to Sara the true ultimate final layer of his deep and complex plan, the true ultimate final motivation behind it all: HE WANTS TO GET MARRIED!!!!! ♥♥♥♥♥
You see, after he wipes out the entire rest of the population of the Land of the Sky, like a fatter Hitler with a fatter moustache, they'll be the only two left. Then NOBODY will be able to spoil the deep, undying love they share for each other, in his mind only. He figures he can use his new hot wife in bed, for the sex, and repopulate the world together, like a fatter Adam and a skankier Eve with less fig-leafy junk. Like any sane person, she responds to Robotnik's advances by trying to scratch his eyes out. It's not like she should be surprised, though. It's only natural that he'd only want her for her eggs.
Because his name's..............well, don't let's open up THAT can of worms again.
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| I'd ponder why she seems to have contributed precisely 0% of the genes here, but no, sorry, I'm just too busy being SCARRED FOR LIFE WHY GOD WHYYYYYYYY MAKE IT STOP IT'S LIKE A HUNDRED THOUSAND BURNING HOT PITCHFORKS GANGBANGING MY PUPILS |
That's completely horrifying, so let's go elsewhere. Somewhere where we surely won't see any scandalous sex talking place: the President's secret video room thingy. He sees Hyper Metal Sonic bringing death and destruction and fashion faux pas to the Land of the Sky, and naturally mistakes him for the real deal as well, years before Super Mario Sunshine made it cool. It's a short-lived mistake, though, for a quick call to Sonic's former residence allows Tails and Knuckles to get him up to speed. Adorably, Knuckles introduces himself as "Sonic's best friend", because fuck you Tails, that's why.
Or maybe Knux meant to say he's Hyper Metal Sonic's best friend, because sweet jesus he seems to know a lot about how he's going to destroy the Land of the Sky! See, the LotS is held together by glaciers, under which is a complex array of rivers of magma spreading all over the planet like blood vessels, that carry DOOM instead of life. If the tip of one of those glaciers got punctured, the magma would flow to the surface and melt all the ice, and we all know what that would cause, right? No, not flooding on a global scale, you pseudoscientific cretin. Since glaciers literally hold the continents together, getting rid of said glaciers would literally sent the continents HURTLING INTO THE FAR REACHES OF OUTER SPACE. Because the rotation of the planet, y'know. Geology. Duh.
How does Knuckles know this is possible? Why, all that molin' around he does underground, naturally! How does he know, specifically, that's what Hyper Metal Sonic is going to do? Don't think about it. Why would the magma melt the ice on the surface when it's not currently melting it from the inside? Don't think about that, either. Now's the perfect time to not do a lot of thinking, about anything. Put your not-thinking caps on, everyone!
Knuckles and Tails urge the President not to tell Sonic about that, for some impossible to parse reason, which is Sonic's cue to pop up right behind Mr. President, with a douchetastic cry of "Why SHOULDN'T you tell me?". Oh, yeah, he survived. He fell on some particularly cushy bushies, or something, I dunno. Whatever. It's not much of a reveal, since no one else in this scene even knew that he was supposed to be dead. He's still alive. So what? He's still an asshole, too. This is not news to these people!
Just as quickly as he appeared, he's gone again, headed northward to take another stab at stopping Hyper Metal Sonic. May I recommend trying to hit him with your knee, Sonic? I hear that works VERY well against robots.
Oh. Wait. Nevermind. We're too late. Hyper Metal Sonic already slashed through a lava vein, and it's spilling out onto the ice. Sonic and try all he wants to kick his ass now, but we're all going to die anyway, so it hardly matters. Surely all the continents will be sent flying into the outer reaches of space now! That's a real shame.
Oh, by the way, Hyper Metal Sonic has joined Knuckles on the list of obviously non-mole things they've suddenly decided are, indeed, moles after all, at least, judging by THIS:
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| Well, Sonic, I guess that's one way to get ahead in this battle! Hahahaha someone please kill me now |
"Now we can get down to the REAL fight", declares Sonic. "The last Sonic standing will be the winner!" This can't possibly be good. I only caught a couple episode of NBC's Last Sonic Standing early on, but I distinctly remember one where guest judges Drew Carey and Brett Butler cried foul, when the producers chose to override their votes for Sonic, and advance Shadow to the next round instead. It was a total fiasco! And it couldn't possibly work any better here, either.
So, instead, let's scrap that idea, in lieu of EXTENDED FIGHT SCENE TIME AGAIN, FOR REAL THIS TIME! And the good news is, it's even more tedious than last time, on account of Hyper Metal Sonic and Sonic Sonic Sonic being evenly Sonically matched. Sonic. They just collide into each other, and bounce off, lather, rinse, repeat. (Side note: I have never actually repeated, and yet my hair is still fuckably soft. So there.) At one point, they spend a good FIFTEEN SECONDS or so with their foreheads locked together, each trying in vain to push the other one back and prove themselves to be the superior bighorn sheep. Alas, neither of them wins; they are equally sheepish. The lameness shall rage on.
Here's the weirdest part: it's SKANKY SARA, of all people, who finally scores the first decisive hit. Metal Sonic accidentally crashes through the bottom of Robotnik's flyin', um, whatever-it-is, and she mistakenly thinks he did it on purpose, to look up her dress, to see her naughty lady bits, for what passes for sexual gratification to hedgehog-shaped computers, I guess. Thinking about putting his big, long 1 inside her wet, gaping 0, and all that sexy jazz. Whatever. This is what she assumes, so she retaliates, by kicking him in the head, in the hope that he's not totally into THAT, too.
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| It seems odd that she'd object to this, though. In my Taylor-based experience, girls rarely object to having complex pieces of machinery wedged between their legs! |
Thankfully, Real Sonic inadvertently saves her from her from the completely imagined peril of robosexual harrassment, by accidentally ramming into the side of Robotnik's Pod Thingy, and subjecting her to the very real peril of being knocked out of there, and plummeting towards the ground, hundreds of feet below. Why, if Knuckles hadn't conveniently arrived at the last possible second and caught her, she'd be dead. Just to remind you, yes, believe it or not, Sonic IS still ostensibly supposed to be the hero of this story, ostensibly.
Tails arrives to provide assistance shortly after, too. He even brought his aeroplane! But Robotnik, himself the owner of a flying machine, was prepared for the possibility that maybe there might be other people somewhere in the world who also own flying machines, and as such, he has prepared the greatest anti-air defences in the history of the omniverse: EXPLODING ROBOT VERSIONS OF NON-FLYING ANIMALS FROM OLD AESOP FABLES. Are you paying attention, U.S. Air Force? THIS IS THE FUTURE.
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| Surely we all remember the classic tale, "The Tortoise and the Hare and the Pig With No Legs"! |
The hare scores a direct hit, sending Tails plummeting as well. At least this time, it's thanks to an actual villain! Meanwhile, the tortoise is quickly forgotten bout, by everyone, because he's terrible, and useless, and can do nothing but keep plodding along through the air at terrible tortoise-like speeds, wheezing all the while. Isn't it awful? You can help out, by donating to the American Testudine Asthma Fund today! (The pig, if you're curious, is literally only there to wave those flags around, because Robotnik is nothing if not extremely responsible with money.)
Anyway, let me calm your fears and assure you that Tails survives this fall, too. He's, what, the THIRD individual to survive falling hundreds of feet now? Just like Sonic, he too survives by falling onto a pleasantly cushy bushy. ;)
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| I swear, I didn't know how filthy this movie was when I picked it! I swear!!! |
Thankfully, though Skanky Sara is the sort to be terrified of the mere thought of a robot seeing her naughty bits, she's not shaken up in the least by a fox actually landing directly on them; such is the eternally baffling Riddle of the Skank.
In fact, she's still able to maintain enough clarity of mind to suggest that maybe Knuckles could dig some extra tunnels in the ice to divert some of the glacier-melting lava we were almost allowed to forget about. For as much as he knows about the relationship between the glaciers and the magmaveins, and the magickal space continents, it's rather embarrassing that SHE'S the one who had to point the obvious solution to this. At any rate, all of this boringness serves as a horribly boring distraction from the fact that Metal Sonic and Organic Sonic are still having an even more boringtastic battle, that keeps boringly dragging on, with the boring boringness.
(For bonus points, tell me at what point in that sentence the word "boring" stopped also being a digging pun, and started referring solely to how much this suuuuuucks!)
"What would make this less boring?", the writers asked themselves. "Perhaps some additional incentive?" The possibility of the planet literally flying apart clearly isn't enough, so they up the ante by having President President show up, for no real reason, and crash into the side of the glacier, in his personal rocket. Which is totally a thing that an important world leader would be allowed to have, and operate, by himself, without supervision, totally. I imagine the Land of the Sky goes through a shitload of Presidents. Their super-disposability would explain why none of them seem to get actual names!
Uncharacteristically, Sonic actually WANTS to rescue him from the wreckage, but Hyper Metal Sonic stands in the way, prepared to let the poor old fool die in the flames. Thus proving he's actually the real Sonic after all. And so, the flying around really fast and smashing foreheads together rages on, and the added incentive ultimately doesn't really help it, for flying around really fast and smashing foreheads together is still flying around really fast and smashing foreheads together no matter how you dress it up, as the old Chinese proverb goes.
And it doesn't even result in a logical victory! Suddenly, Hyper Metal Sonic, his metallic noggin badly dented, suddenly decides to arbitrarily change his tune, and rescue the President himself. Thus proving that he's not the real Sonic after all. What's going on here, seriously? Some sort of robo-concussion? Temporary tinsanity? Some sort of funnier joke? The confusion just gets worse, too, because this is directly followed by a scene that totally isn't ripping off Terminator 2 in any way, shape, or form whatsoever, totally, wherein Metal Sonic sacrifices himself in the burning glacial lava. Ever the thinking man's Sonic, Hyper Metal leaves our heroes with the deep parting thought: "There is only one Sonic", because fuck you Sonic Generations, that's why.
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| I, too, prefer my Metal Sonic extra-crispy; it brings out that rich, savoury electricity flavour and really makes it pop! |
Sonic contemplates trying to dive in and save him, but his friends restrain him, for he is not Asbestos Sonic. As if Sonic wasn't already saddened enough by the untimely passing of the robot who was just trying to murder him until thirty seconds ago, Robotnik chimes in with the terrible, terrible news that he still has all of Sonic's "essential life data" on a disc, and presumably he intends to think of a new plan for it, an even MORE infallible plan, with which he will surely be able to finally defeat his eternal rival once and for all. (Or, more specifically, lose to his eternal rival, in an even slightly more different way than the last even more slightly different way than usual.)
As Robotnik flaunts his possession of that disc - it appears to be a GameCube disc, judging by the size, so just imagine how elated he'll be once the GameCube is actually invented, several years later - we come to collectively realise that it is, of course, time for this movie to outright rip off the Super Mario Bros. film, by letting a slow-moving explosive device that they hope the audience has already forgotten about reappear, and deliver the final crushing blow to the bad guy. In this case, of course, it's the exploding tortoise (Nokobon?), who's back to pant, and wheeze, and aerially trod his way back to his master, where he explodes and destroys the disc in the process.
Y'know, for a dude with "robot" in his name, he's really bad at making them, isn't he? This makes two of them that have committed suicide in a way that royally screws up his plans in as many minutes! Perhaps that's why he changed his name to Eggman - he's clearly far better at cooking eggs, judging by his physique. Also, judging by the fact that his veins pump not blood, like you or I, but rather, 100% pure cholesterol. (He's fat.)
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| Perhaps his mistake was not following the fable closely enough, for that's clearly not a tortoise at all, but rather, half sea turtle and half Golden Retriever. |
Anyhoozle, in the aftermath of the tortoisplosion, Robotnik lies there, leg a-twitchin', and Sonic and Company heartily laugh at the horrific pain he's experiencing, because sadism is okay if you saved the world at some point, right? Hahahaha, a middle-aged man is nearly dead! THE END!
What's that you say? That's really not much of an ending, Jess? Don't blame me, I didn't write the story. I'm just the messenger, whom you shouldn't shoot, according to clichés. Would it make for a more satisfying conclusion if I told you our heroes ran off into the sunset afterward? Not really? Well, fine then! If you don't approve of the ending, you can at least feebly attempt to soothe your soul by enjoying
the dubbed ending theme that probably was easier to comprehend BEFORE it was dubbed, even for non-Japanese speakers. I'll bet you feel better already, right?
~ IN SUMMARY AND IN CONCLUSION ~
Good heavens this is a mess! The dub voices are just awful, which really doesn't help when your script is as insane as this. I don't think it's a translation thing, either; I can't imagine this being much more coherent in the original Japanese. After Super Mario Bros., this helps prove that mediocre adaptations of video game properties are hardly the exclusive property of the English-speaking world. This adaptation of the Sonicverse doesn't change nearly as much as Jenkelbel did with the Marioverse, but it still changes JUST ENOUGH to deprive it of any internal consistency. It's nonsensical, and it's cheesy, and...
......I admit it. I liked it. This is a perfectly fun way to waste an hour! Super Mario Bros. was pervaded by the constant sensation that these are all famous people who are wasting their talent, and they're fully aware of that, so their barely concealed rage at everyone - and everything - involved in the production rules the day. But Sonic the Hedgehog: The Movie lacks that sort of self-awareness, for the better. Martin Burke's Sonic is lousy, sure, but there's something thoroughly smile-worthy about the way his voice-acting fully embraces that hamminess - a smile-worthiness that, for that matter, the majority of this third-rate production manages to capture as well. And why shouldn't that be enough? It should be! And it is! (Jesse Sez: It's even more fun if you've got some particularly kushy bushies nearby, naturally.)
And so, on my personal rating scale of one through five, where a three is thoroughly middling in a forgettable way that's impossible to feel strongly about in either direction, and scores are considered better the further from the centre they get, even if it's really low, because bad can still be fun, I've seen fit to award Sonic the Hedgehog: The Movie....
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| ONE AND A HALF BLUE BLUR BLOOBERS OUT OF FIVE! |
And since that amounts to a higher fun factor than Mario's movie, Sonic the Hedgehog prevails in this EPIC FIGHT TO THE DEATH, of cinema! I don't imagine that counts for much in his eyes right now, what with all those distracting financial crises Sega's presently occupied with, but I'm sure someday he'll look back on this and it'll put a smile on his face, a smile that will disturb everyone by somehow being waaaaaay off centre, on only one side of said face, because....well, let's not contemplate the three-dimensional geometry of Sonic's body, for no good can come of that. The point is, he won the gold medal, which I've generously made out of a yogurt lid, and he can come claim it in person, whenever he gets around to it.
Oh, by the way, in case you were still wondering, no. Those empty corners in Dr. Robotnik's Secret Technology-Themed Room never got anything, nor will they, ever. For them, life is nothing but a perpetual string of disappointments, an exercise in waking up every day, against their will, and feebly wishing for even the teensiest sliver of compassion from the universe, even though they know as well as anyone that they'll never get it, their visible outward emptiness serving as an appropriately hackish metaphor for the creeping spectre of emptiness that inwardly violates their soul more and more with each passing moment; in short, their life is a void. And so is yours, and so is mine, for in the end, aren't we all little more than just corners on the massive, miserable polyhedron that comprises the sheer futility that is life?
Have a nice weekend, sexy people! :)
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